After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
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Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
that lip filler tho
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform