I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
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Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
no one ever comes back
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody