The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
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The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Lol
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang