those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
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HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Can’t. Being lazy.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.