A cabbage a day keeps people away.
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Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic