If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
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*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*