Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
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You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
A woman drives into a bar.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.