The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
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therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”