Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
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All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.