Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
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HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
how much for the angry fruit?
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.