My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
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I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.