Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
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I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD