Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
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If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E