Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
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My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don鈥檛 even know what鈥檚 in them. Could be bricks
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they鈥檇 come do mine also.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 馃槧.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Listen, I鈥檓 not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I鈥檇 follow it to my demise
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties