“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
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My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet