Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
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*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
🤣😂
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30