is the plural of judas judasses or judi
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Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Good morning
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
anyone else like Italian cereal
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.