*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
You Might Also Like
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”