You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
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If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
why no one uses midhusbands
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF