This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
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I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary