“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
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Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?