“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
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i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.