I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
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BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS