ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
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girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.