Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
You Might Also Like
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Always leave them wanting their money back.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!