How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
You Might Also Like
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Lmfao
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Doggies just call it style.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years