Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
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Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
🤣😂🤣
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.