absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
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making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
This is amazing.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all