friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
You Might Also Like
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house