Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
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Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Meowchelangelo
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.