[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
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I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.