[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
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Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.