23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
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Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
“What movie?” 🤔
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp