Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
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Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?