that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
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I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Best mom ever 😂
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
My sex drive has a dui
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions