she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
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me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Watermelon Boss!
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.