Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
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So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
LMAO.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.