Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
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Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like