Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
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My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
it’s either covid or clever vampires
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!