cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
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I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help