if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
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Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
do horses think humans are hats
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.