*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
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Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”