[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
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My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Basketball
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*