Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
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i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.