nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
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calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Oh my god
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.