About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
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Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them