ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
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I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
ugh not again
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.