*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
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If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
My dating profile:
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
This is what makes twitter great
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!