*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
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[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.