Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
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Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Pretty much! 😂👀
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U